All The Men In My Life

I was visiting my parents today and it was a really emotional day, so I need to get it all down, before the moment passes and I'll have forgotten the important things that came to me.

It was emotional for several reasons. The first was that my father was involved in a serious accident earlier this week and I was able to see the extent of his injuries as well as realise what a terrible experience it was for him, by observing the wreckage that was left behind.

While he was trying to get a truck out of a bog, by towing it with his tractor on their property, once freed, the truck accidently backed up and ran over the top of my dad, before he could get off the tractor. They're not sure why the driver reversed like that, or how my dad managed to avoid being crushed to death. It was truly a bizarre accident. His tractor is totalled.

He has three broken ribs and severe burns from the tractor exhaust, to his back and right arm. He is able to walk around and get in and out of a chair, but he's in a lot of pain right now.

My mum witnessed the whole thing and was certain that he was dead, when she could no longer hear him screaming, or see him, as he had slipped onto the ground under the tractor. She was still quite traumatised when I arrived and couldn't stop from crying several times.

I went there planning to help them and they were open to what I had to offer, so it was actually a great opportunity for me to share with them some of the stuff I've been learning over the last few years.

First I sat down with Mum and did some TFT tapping with her. I went through several algorithms and wrote down some simple instructions, so she can continue to do it for herself, whenever she's feeling weepy. I think it helped, because while we were in the hospital to get Dad's dressings changed and she was talking more about some of the details of the accident, she was able to do so without crying.

Then I got Dad to lay down on the bed and I did about 45 minutes of Reiki for him. He drifted off to sleep after a few minutes and seemed to be quite relaxed. It's his first experience of Reiki, so I don't know if he really felt anything, or what he thought of it, but I could feel heaps, so I can only hope it was doing its work.

They were both very appreciative and open to the experience, which was very good for me, because it's something I haven't really felt comfortable about sharing with them much.

After lunch, my mum pulled out a box of photos and cards and was going through them, talking about the past and old friends. She pulled out some letters of an old family friend, who I was deeply in love with at one time and for the first time with them, I cried about the loss of that relationship. I guess they knew it was very sad for me, but we never really sat down and talked about it before.

At one time, I had a huge bundle of his letters and when I went to collect my things from his friend's house, where it was being stored while we were overseas, I found the bundle and threw every last letter in the trash. I remember reading the first one and realising the entire letter was about one of his cars-nothing really intimate or loving at all and that made me so angry, I ditched the lot.

When I think about him now, I feel sorry for the part I had to play. I really loved him. I wanted to have children with him. I thought he was the smartest, funniest most amazing lover. I was so besotted with him that I couldn't really see that he didn't really want the same things as me, including children. It was unfair of me to expect it. I was unaware of what his real needs were. Of course he wasn't very good at expressing them, so I didn't have a lot to go by. I didn't really know how to get to know him on that level.

I think it was a mirror for my relationship with my dad. I don't really understand what his needs are, so I often just get angry, feeling like he's a remote and silent character.

It's different with Brian. He's much better at expressing himself and we are usually on the same page, about the things we want from life. I'm sure I still make the same mistake of not understanding where he's at, or what his needs are, from time to time, but I try.