The Single Mum

When I was 20 I unexpectedly got pregnant and this caused a lot of distress as I was only in my third year at university, with no way of supporting myself.

I was terrified of becoming a single mum. I saw how single mums struggled. I saw how many people in society look down at them. Some even accuse them of purposefully getting pregnant so as to gain welfare benefits.

I didn't want to become totally dependent on my parents. I realise now part of that fear was because I didn't agree with some of their ideas about parenting or how they handled parent-child relationships. I didn't want there to be a heavy influence from them with my own childrearing. Of course, that wasn't clear to me at the time.

I also felt like my life hadn't even had a chance to take off and that having a child was going to restrict my options.

I suffered a lot of guilt for many years about not only taking the life of an unborn child, but for making the ultimately selfish decision to end the life of my child.

Recently I have mourned the loss of the incredible potential that lies in a human being, no matter what the circumstances of their birth might be.

I now know that I would have made an excellent single mum and I am mourning the loss again.

I reconcile my choice with the thought that if I had stayed in Brisbane all those years, rearing a child, with the help of my parents, I would not have met Brian, or had our wonderful children.

When I spent time with my closest female friend in Arizona during our overseas trip 2 years ago, we talked about the enormous guilt that follows a woman following a termination. It is a common experience for women regardless of their religious or cultural backgrounds and can establish entrenched depression that lasts for years.

Creating artwork about my experience was one way that I dealt with the guilt and loss. Drinking gallons of red wine simultaneously often went along with the process. Whereas the wine made me sick, the paintings were a cathartic experience and I am happy to say that my natural creative tendencies probably helped save me from further self-destructive behaviour.

My Arizona friend mentioned that in helping another woman in her dying process years ago, the issue of guilt following an abortion came to light. It seemed that the woman was in her last days, was suffering enormous pain and was quite agitated and unable to relax and let go. When my friend was able to determine that the woman was still feeling guilty about her termination, she discussed with her the idea that our spirit has no sense of guilt.

She talked about how although our minds are busy judging our experiences as good or bad, immoral or not, our spirit is free of this.

When my friend asked the woman to try to connect with spirit and see her experiences from a non-judging perspective, she was able to relax and not long after passed away peacefully.

Hearing this story helped me greatly. I tried to do the same. In nature, there are no good/bad experiences, just events. Nature doesn't have a judgemental mind. It is only us humans that punish ourselves with judgements.

Anyway, I know it cannot be compared with being a single mum, but I feel that I must have been destined for the experience of being a lone parent in some way or another, with the prolonged absence of Brian this last year.

It has been really hard with him gone five and then three days a week for the last 10 months and then these last few weeks, while he went away to the U.S.

Here's a list of things I realise I can do all by myself:

1 Assemble Ikea beds and heavy metal based couches and go to the store 70 kms away to get missing parts.

2 With the help of a removalist, collect piano, kiln and trampoline from storage and install in house.

3 Assemble 10 ft trampoline with enclosure.

4 Set-up water filter and install correct replacement filters and tap fittings.

5 Send the children off to a new school, after arranging their mid-year placement.

6 Move a large cupboard from one room to another without banging it into walls etc

7 Assemble steel-framed drawers from a kit.

8 Establish boundaries with kids of the new neighbourhood, including an autistic child who honed in on our family and would knock on our door constantly, wanting to play.

9 Entertain our children for three weeks during holidays.

10 Care for our children 24/7 for three weeks without help.

11 Call a healthcare professional at 11:30 p.m. for help when I thought I was having a heart attack. It was just a stretched/trapped ligament in my ribs from the trampoline assembly job. Following her directions over the phone saved myself an unnecessary trip to hospital.

12 Cared for our children when they both got chest colds.

13 Set-up house in the new neighbourhood and cared for the children in the midst of total chaos.

14 Cooked, cleaned and washed dishes for 3 meals/day.

15 Washed wet bed linen every day for a week (the cold weather plays havoc on children's bladders)

So, to all single mothers out there, I congratulate you on doing the job that so many people wouldn't have the courage, or the drive to do. Solidarity to single mothers of the world!!