Christmas Pain

It's still another 6 weeks 'til Christmas, but I can feel the Christmas pain coming on strong already, so I thought if I got it all out now, maybe it won't be so bad when it finally swings around.

Society pressures families and individuals to make Christmas the happiest time of the year, but it can be the most painful for so many people. People separated from family, or with fractured families and relationships, who feel themselves experiencing less than the ideal Christmas, ie. blissfully surrounded by loved ones, can find it a very painful time.

I think there is enormous pressure on people to make sure the day is 'perfect', so that if it happens to be less than perfect, there's a sense of loss, or let-down.

It's also very painful when certain family members have expectations that everyone will want to gather together for the day, despite there being family rifts that have not been resolved for many years.

I think it is a pretty common experience for people, that by the time they have reached adulthood, many are estranged from one or more of their family members for various reasons. If parents of such families insist on everyone getting together for Christmas, it puts unrealistic expectations on the other members.

My family has a long history of painful Christmases. From when I was a baby, my parents spent Christmas day and/or Boxing Day with both sets of grandparents. Both families had many sets of aunts and uncles and cousins, so Christmas was always a big deal.

At my mum's parent's house, younger children were teased and ridiculed by my Grandmother and her 3 older sons. The aggression between them was also pretty bad, so there was always a brawl or two going on, between drunk uncles. After a day of solid drinking, it would usually get pretty ugly by late afternoon.

One year, when I was about 9 or 10, my grandmother bought bicycles for my brother and I. She had them hidden, so we had to find them somewhere in the house. It could have turned out to be a bit of an adventure, except that she had hidden my brother's so well, that he couldn't find it anywhere. Instead of giving him helpful hints and encouraging him to keep looking, she began laughing mercilessly, when he started to cry, because he'd searched everywhere and couldn't find it. I think it was finally found in the toilet, but it took him a long time to calm down and she and the uncles didn't spare him ridicule, for being so sensitive.

My parents could have saved us a lot of pain over the years, by deciding to spend Christmas at home, just the five of us, but my mum has always had an over-extended sense of obligation to participate in family events, even though she has known in her heart, that her family was very toxic.

I decided when I moved back to Australia, that I would protect my children from my extended family and not drag them to events where I didn't feel comfortable going myself. Mum's family have become quite scattered over the years, so Christmas and other special days are rarely organised family events anymore. The drunk uncles are all old and sorry characters too, so long gone are the drunken punch-ups.

While we lived on the Gold Coast, an hour's drive from family in Brisbane, we often decided not to drive to Brisbane for Christmas, instead spending it quietly, the four of us, hanging out at the beach and lounging around the house, enjoying watching the children open and play with presents. Then my parents, brother and sister moved far away, so we had Christmas to ourselves for a few years. It was real freedom from family expectation.

For the past two years, everyone has been living nearby again, so the expectation has been quite strong, that we spend the day with my parents and siblings again. If I felt really close to them, I'd love to do this, but I haven't really felt close to them for a long time, now.

Last year was a painful experience. I was angry with my brother for teaching my son how to use a gun, when he knew I never wanted this to happen. Sage was only 7 and not in the habit of playing even with toy guns, since I don't buy them for him. My brother thinks I protect him too much and deny him the joys of gun use, which he not only believes is every male's birth-rite, but a necessity for self-defence.

I didn't particularly want to spend the day at his house, celebrating Christmas, when I was still so angry with him. Instead, I opted to have Christmas at my grandmother's house, where a few extended family members had gathered. Only one of the old drunk uncles was there, so there were no brawls. It was the first Christmas there since anyone could remember and my Mum was angry with me, for not wanting to spend the day with her and Dad, with my brother and sister and our children, at my brother's house.

My brother was at my grandmother's too and started a tirade, about how damaging it would be to protect my son from guns. He was so drunk, his eyes were red and he was slurring his words. He reminded me of the old drunk uncles when they were young, except he was picking a fight with me.

My grandmother was being her usual self. I saw her jiggling the new-born baby of one of my cousins, telling him to 'shut-up', because he wouldn't stop crying. Her voice wasn't really mean, it was like she was saying it as a joke, but I couldn't bare to look, anyway. If I had been my cousin, I would have taken the baby from her and never returned. I witnessed other people behaving badly too and it made me realise that things haven't changed-my family is as toxic as ever, the only difference is that now that has extended to the younger generation as well.

Not everyone there is unlikeable. Another uncle, the youngest of the boys, is quite a lovely guy. I can talk to him and feel respected, not ridiculed. His beautiful daughter was getting an earful from my grandmother, who didn't like the colour she'd dyed her hair. But my cousin seemed to take it well. I think the generation below me, just see the old lady as a bit of a joke.

It seems that with each new generation, the pain caused by toxic members, has a lessened effect.

So this year, my sister has invited everyone to her house for Christmas. I love my sister. I can talk to her and feel that she is open to me. What is painful about getting together with my sister, is that I cannot ignore the fact that she has a baby with a guy who is not yet divorced from his previous wife, who does not live with her and who is the same age as my dad. He, his son, his estranged wife and their friends will all be there and I've been told that his son is a big boozer who gets aggressive and foul-mouthed when he's drunk.

I told my Mum I didn't want to go, that I'd rather spend the day with my family, quietly, doing my own thing. I could tell that this made her angry, because she brought up how few Christmases I had spent with them in the past and how disappointing this was for her.

I caved in to the guilt trip and told my sister I would come.

Now I'm really angry and sad. Angry at my mother and myself, for caving in to her manipulation. Sad that my sister is in such a hopeless situation. Resentful for her involving us in her complicated life.

It's a whole bunch of pain I need to offload. I think I need to meditate now. If I can get clear of this before Christmas day, there's a chance I may even enjoy a moment or two on the day.