On Flirting

Flirting. For many men and women it's almost as natural as breathing and for me, I think I probably acquired the skill way back when I was a little girl, when I realised I could get preferential treatment if I batted my eyes and acted cute. These days I am really questioning the practice.

I'll offer my revelations from today as a small example.

I'm at a local store buying milk, when the owner, whom I've had brief conversation with in the past and who's shown a propensity for flirting before, walks me to the door asking, "So, what's your, you know, your 'thing'?" By this I was pretty sure he meant, what was I interested in, but I could also have been mistaken, who knows?

Anyway, the bored inner woman who's just spent a day in the company of a five year old immediately wanted to respond to the apparent show of interest from this man. Being also a committed married woman, I actually said, "See those two kids in my car, they take up 99.9% of my energy", but it was said with a smile so he continued to flirt, undeterred.

It soon became obvious from the turn of the conversation that he was more interested in talking about his own special-ness, and that the flirting was really only just to get my attention.

Well, you might say, what's the harm in that kind of conversation, if it turned out that the guy was just an egotistical jerk, you only had to walk away from a banal conversation, nothing more? In any case, you might add, why would you expect anything more from someone you see once in a while when you buy the milk?

The truth is that I don't expect anything meaningful from a flirtatious conversation, but that deep down there is a little girl who wants to be made feel special by the attention.

In the past I thought it was just a part of male-female dynamics, a subtle, harmless way for men and women to express the sexual tension that exists between anyone.

Now, I'm starting to think it is more than this. It's more like an energy exchange that occurs between two people and that both the person who initiates it and the person who responds to it, are looking for some way to boost their own energy levels.

The reason I'm convinced of this is that I walked away from today's conversation feeling deflated, like I had given some energy away.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with banter, or humour, or fun. I will be asking myself next time someone starts flirting with me, however, "What does he want from this exchange? Am I giving my energy away?" If I am conscious of what I'm doing, the next time I start to respond in a flirtatious way, I'll try to remind myself, "Hey you're doing that thing again. What are you trying to get out of this?"

I've been thinking lately about a time in my early twenties when I was in a very vulnerable position, having just left home after constant clashes with my parents. I was working part-time to get myself through my last year of college and had just broken up with a long-term boyfriend who let me down in a big way.

I started art classes at night. It was fantastic to learn so many skills in a dynamic setting. I attended regularly. The teacher, a prominant artist, was as equally talented as he was egotistical. Ignoring the negative side to his nature, I learnt quickly and enjoyed his praise. I also enjoyed the flirting, especially as it made me feel special. I now know that he must have seen that starry-eyed girl that was me as an easy target. I doubt his older female students, at least the happy ones, were so naive as to think he was sincere.

Time went by and I eventually worked out that I was no more 'special' than any of the other students he was seeing at the time.

It was pretty painful to think my relationship was just a boost to his ego.

You'd think an event like that would have me pretty wary of flirting. Maybe what I finally realised today is that somehow I still regard the attention of others, especially men, as confirmation of my specialness, and that in such a superficial context as flirting, this is a badly-placed expectation.